Sugar Addiction is Not So Funny: How it Began

I often make light of my addiction to sugar because that is what my family and friends have always done. I was never chunky, but a big girl growing up, five foot ten and missed out on dates because of my size, not because of my face. In fact, people told me I could be a model if I lost twenty or thirty pounds. It was their way of being nice but the comments would come at random and I felt singled out, awkwardly so.

I was a nice size 8 as a teen and then went to a 10. I weighed about 155 and the rest of them were 112. My obsession with my inability to fit in stemmed from other familial issues, but my body became a weapon, not for seduction but the thing I abused and used to manipulate my own existence.

All the other girls I knew went through puberty only in their chest. My curves came everywhere and the only people that noticed were the 45 year old men hitting on me in Starbucks and the college boys who would peer over at my 36E cup size. Some people want to be chesty but I was also tall, so I stuck out like a sore thumb.

Sugar was a vehicle of comfort for me. Like many people with addictions of all kinds, it was my less potent and poisonous mode for soothing away my social awkwardness, or accompanying me in my teenage angst, re-watching Stand by Me and Enchanted April over and over on my little television. Sugar was a drug, but I did not know it at the time because I would eat nonfat yogurt or juice or toast. I thought Fat Free meant healthy, but it was all loaded with sugar and I kept gaining weight, even if I worked out 3-5 times a week.

Last year I went to Canyon Ranch and that helped me gain some perspective and it was a safe place for me to diet and remove myself from unhealthy choices. I lost 40 pounds in this past year because I was able to abstain from what I term, “Sugar Producing” foods. These foods are:

Breads

Cereals

Nonfat Foods-Crackers, pretzels, etc

Nonfat yogurts, cheeses, dairy

Foods made by a machine

Diet Sodas

Sandwiches

Pastas

Foods I was allowed to eat:

Raw vegetables

grilled fish

grilled meat (no red meat)

steamed vegetables

some fruit-in moderation (no mangos, pineapples, oranges, berries)

I became hooked again to sugar while on vacation this past month. I was soothing away some stresses that had come up this past year-work related, moving, family life and decided to pack up and go to Maui.

Suddenly, I found myself in the pina coladas and rum and then it was the Maui buffet-tons of pineapple and then breads. I began eating sausage links ( not 10 or even 5,  2 seemed harmless). But then that sort of triggered a total meltdown. I was having nonfat frozen yogurt smoothies-nonfat seemed harmless. Then I wanted pancakes for breakfast-just one seemed ok.

You see I hate junk food and never touch the stuff. In fact, I thought of fast food as created for people who were ignorant and idiosyncratic. Fast Food tasted great but it was just so cheap and in hideous packaging. So, I always thought I was just big for a reason-that it was to be my lot in life. But I guess somewhere in my head, I knew better.

I was still within what I felt were healthy treats while in Maui, but then I also stopped exercising. A walk on the beach would be enough for me. I was on vacation, so I was allowed to enjoy some things I had been missing.

Wrong.

I have gained 9 pounds in 3 weeks time. I am home, and totally freaked out. the worst part is, all I want is sugar. I am back to where I was 40 pounds ago-I am retreating back to being a fatty and I am afraid of that.

I liked wearing whatever I wanted. I have enjoyed being noticed and feeling youthful and vibrant. Fat is the antithesis of those things. Funny enough something in me feels totally selfish and almost evil when I gain weight. It is like I am literally parting with my good conscience. The devil takes over.

I hope this blog helps me get back on track. I need to be proud of who I am and how I look. I think all people want is to be liked and all they need is love, including love of self.

Truth is, I am a Type A person under all of this. I want to be admired, valued, appreciated. I want to do more than fit in with my peers, the young educated and successful people I like to claim as my contemporaries. The one area where I fail miserably compared to all of them is my weight and this addiction to sugar producing foods. I see it as a moral failure. It consumes my thoughts even now, which is so pathetic to admit, and it can sound a little creepy. I guess it is.

It all has to start somewhere. I guess for me it will be humiliating myself publicly. Laughing at one’s self seems to ease my pain and redirects my energy to finding better choices. So this is what I am about. I am probably more normal and boring than I want to admit, but at the same time, human existence can be interesting to contemplate and entertaining to watch. I am not a human car wreck in slow motion. Quite the opposite. I am on a Quest for self approval and health. Along the way, I may be entertaining.